The Time I Almost Gave Up on Motherhood #NakedMoms

giving up naked moms motherhood

There are some things that just stick with you.  No matter how far or how fast you run from them, they remain.  Watching. Even mocking.  These things become a part of your story, a part of who you are.  And me almost giving up on motherhood is just that–it’s a part of my story.

November of 2013 made 4 years since I considered relinquishing my parental rights to my daughter.  I was an overwhelmed, broke and lost college student.  I felt I had nothing to give my baby girl.

“Mama, I just don’t know what to do.” I had just gotten a disconnect notice for our electricity.  I was $400 in the hole.  “They’re coming to cut the lights off tomorrow,”  I said through tears.  “I just can’t do this.”

Working 10 hours a week didn’t allow for an electricity bill of that size to be paid in one day.  Tiny payments here and there only got me so far and after a while, it was all due.  At the same time.  I’d called Energy Assistance earlier that day.  “Is there anything you can do to help me,”  I asked the intake worker.  “Well, I will run this information through and see what I can come up with, but it will still take a few days.”

“Thank you,”  I said.  I didn’t have a few days.  Before she hung up, the intake worker said, “It’ll be okay.”  I thanked her again, hung up and burst into tears.

“Mama, I just can’t do this.  I should just give Jordyn to a family that can care for her.  What kind of mother can’t even keep the lights on for her child?!”  I was beyond bruised; I was broken.

My mother spoke to me in the encouraging way that she always does, but this time I couldn’t hear it.  Her words could not penetrate the pain that was surrounding my heart.  We hung up under the understanding that if push came to shove, we could come to her home until I got back on my feet.  She told me to pray.

And won’t He do it…

My mom must have been praying something fierce (It definitely wasn’t me because I couldn’t muster up enough energy to think, let alone pray.) because the next day, my lights were on.  And on that Friday, I received a holiday bonus.  And if memory serves, it was $392 and some odd cent.

Every time I think about that time I almost gave up on motherhood in November 2009, I feel something in the pit of my stomach.  I’m not sure if it’s guilt, shame, relief or remnants of resilience.  But it doesn’t matter because I learned so much from that experience.  I learned that sometimes you have to break down to be built back up, while other times you have to give up to go on.  Even though it would have meant going 2 steps back, I would have stayed with my mother if I’d had to.  When I woke up the next morning and the electricity was still on (I later found out that it was definitely supposed to be off, but the weather was too cold to legally disconnect.), I took that to mean that it wasn’t over yet.  That being my daughter’s mother wasn’t over yet.

So there it is, a part of my story.  The time I almost gave up on motherhood.  If this resonates with you in any way, please feel free to leave a comment.  I’m sharing this instance in my life, not for likes or amens, but because my story is also someone else’s.

This post is a part of #NakedMoms.  On the 14th of every month, I’ll be revealing the truth about motherhood with 12 other writers. Follow the hashtag #NakedMoms, and check out the links from the other women below.

To Be a Better Mom You Have to Give Up by Steph at Confessions of A Stay-At-Home Mom

I Am A Recovering Perfectionist by Thien-Kim at I’m Not The Nanny

Giving Up On Perfect Single Motherhood by Laila at Only Laila

Motherhood: The Sacrifices No One Tells You About, But You Need to Know  by Joyce at Mommy Talk Show

To Let Go and Let God by Jacquie at The Sweeter Side of Mommyhood

I Didn’t Want to be a Mom by Summer at The Dirty Floor Diaries

Mothering While Introverted by Diamonte at Liberated Mommy

Motherhood is About Giving Up by Jessica at A Parent In Silver Spring

Motherhood: I Give Up by Stephanie at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

Giving Up Supposed To Be by Brandi at Mama Knows It All

Giving Up And Getting Down by Heather at Diary of A First Time Mom

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10 Comments

  1. January 14, 2014 / 2:48 pm

    What a memory! I am sure it’s hard looking back on that, and I am so glad you shared! I know we all have regrets, but you should not regret being concerned about being able to take care of your child. I am so glad God was there for you when you most needed it!

    • Vaneese
      January 15, 2014 / 4:50 am

      Thanks Martha. It’s definitely something that causes me to get teary-eyed from time to time. Years later, I can still feel the despair I felt on that day. I’m so glad God was there for me too. Thanks for commenting, Martha!

  2. January 14, 2014 / 4:38 pm

    I am so glad your story was not over, that it had only just begun! Thanks for sharing this – a great reminder to us all to hold on!

    • Vaneese
      January 15, 2014 / 4:51 am

      Me too, Steph. Glad it’s just beginning. 🙂

  3. January 15, 2014 / 3:29 am

    “He may not come when you want it, but He’ll be there right on time…”
    One of the truest gospel lyrics ever written.
    I’ve had similar moments in the last 6 months and the Lord stepped in.
    Thanks for keeping the faith. Be blessed.

    • Vaneese
      January 15, 2014 / 4:54 am

      Yesss, Joyce! He’s an on time God, isn’t he? I love that song too. Many prayers your way for your continued success. I’m sure it’ll all work out just as it should.

  4. January 15, 2014 / 3:31 am

    Oh, Mama!!!!! Wow. This is a powerful story. And you know what? Sometimes we have to give up. We have to GIVE IT ALL UP for HIM to step in and work. Thank you so much for sharing this story. Thank you. <3

    • Vaneese
      January 15, 2014 / 4:58 am

      Thank you, Brandi. It was hard for me to tell and I honestly shed tears while writing. Not from embarrassment (I’m beyond that) and not because of fear. I cried because of how far I’ve come and how far I’ve been brought. It was ONLY through the grace of God and my surrender that my child and I stayed warm in our home. You are so right…sometimes we have to give it all up for Him to step in and work. So right.

  5. January 15, 2014 / 6:18 pm

    When I read that the weather was too bad for them to disconnect, I was like “He did that too.” Thank you for sharing your story. And so glad for your mother being there for you.

  6. January 18, 2014 / 3:38 pm

    I’m glad you didn’t give up but GAVE it up to God! I had to pause to cry, b/c there were days when my fuel tank was on E, a snowstorm was burying my truck as I drove my baby home, praying that we would reach our destination before running out of gas! I was getting paid the next day and too embarrassed to admit that I blew my budget on things I wanted and didn’t need, things that once again caused me to live way outside of my needs. But that night I was no longer mad at my daughter’s dad. I smiled and knew God would take care of things once again, but also reminded myself that it was time to be more responsible.

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